I don’t spend enough time with Zach

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and it hits me every single night as I’m getting him ready for bed.

zach

Where did the time go?

I feel so awful.

I feel like I’m not doing the best job I can do as a mom.

I can make up excuses all I want, but at the end of the day I can’t change the fact that I don’t spend enough time with my son.

It’s hard when you’re raising your son virtually as a single mom. Zach’s dad is still overseas since we got married, and we currently live in my parent’s home (siblings and all).

Going to school full-time to get a B.S in Dietetics means I’m not home all day and that my mom (thank God) is watching Zach when I’m away.

When I am home, I spend 75% of my time doing my homework, studying for my exams, trying to help my sister with the chores (cooking & cleaning), running errands, and lastly blogging so that I can earn enough money to buy him things– diapers, clothes, shoes, toys– whatever he may need.

I’m blessed enough to have a family that let us live with them even after I got married. I’m blessed enough that I have a supportive father who pushed for us to get an education. I’m blessed enough to have a loving mother who watches my son and takes care of him every single day, despite her own medical problems. I’m blessed enough to be able to make money online to give my son the financial support he needs because God only knows how much more awful I’d feel if I had to get a “real” job– which would mean even more time away from him.

I’m blessed.

& I thank God each day for the blessings I have.

& I cry each night when I put Zach to sleep.

I cry because I miss him.

I cry because he’s growing up too fast.

and I cry because I feel like a shitty mom.

In all honesty, this was not the way I pictured motherhood to be. At least not the way I wanted it to be.

My dream was to be married for several years before having kids, to able to have a college degree and work my ass off to save money for said kids, and then to be a stay at home mom where I can fully take care of my kids and actually be there for them.

But that’s not what happened.

Obviously.

Now I find myself doing 50 things all at once to make sure Zach’s has a good life.

But at the cost of what?

At the cost of not having a mom around all the time to fully love and support him through his growth.

I don’t spend enough time with Zach.

Period.

and I really need to change that.

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40 Responses to “I don’t spend enough time with Zach”

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    1
    Alison Pentland — March 19, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    Awww don’t beat yourself up. Even stay-at-home moms worry about whether or not their child is getting what they need. I was in a parenting group when my kids turned six with stay-at-home, home schoolers, part timers and power moms and we all fretted about the same things. All our kids turned out differently and NOT based on how much time we spent with them. It sounds like your son has a wonderful mom and extended family that love him and give him constant tender care. That’s what is important. I know you will keep worrying whatever anyone says – lol that comes with the territory of cold coffee, burnt toast and wondering why we have our slippers on in the car again.

    • Aly replied: — March 22nd, 2014 @ 7:32 pm

      Thanks Alison, I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way.

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    Melanie S. — March 19, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    I know how you feel, but all you can do is try your best. It’s great that you at least have family to help you out!

    • Aly replied: — March 22nd, 2014 @ 7:33 pm

      Yes, I am so thankful to have them!

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    Raijean — March 19, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    Girl, I know the feeling! The balance between career and family is a struggle.

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    Sarah - ITKM — March 19, 2014 at 4:37 pm

    This is my struggle too, minus the school part! I really have been focusing on how I can squeeze in more time with my 7 year old. It is hard finding a balance between working (to set them up later in life) vs hanging (to enjoy the present).

    • Aly replied: — March 22nd, 2014 @ 7:40 pm

      I constantly struggle with that, too. Present time vs Future time. Where do you put your energy.

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    Terri — March 19, 2014 at 5:24 pm

    oh momma. i hear ya.
    i don’t spend enough time with my Brooke either, i try harder, i really do

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    Melissa — March 19, 2014 at 9:44 pm

    I know how you feel…it all goes by so fast. But you are doing what you’re doing to provide him and yourself a better life!

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    Keara B. — March 20, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    It broke my heart to read the title of this post, and that’s mostly because I’m sure most (if not all) moms feel that way. I’m a SAHM and I STILL feel that way at the end of the day. Between chores, errands, etc., I still feel like I wish I had more time with my daughter. (Soon to be daughters.) Bottom line- you love your son and he knows that. He sees it and feels it in every moment that you spend with him. Be proud that you’re working hard to provide a better future for you family- I promise he will appreciate it when he’s older! And try to go a little easier on yourself. I don’t know you personally, but I can tell you’re a fantastic mom. :)

    • Aly replied: — March 23rd, 2014 @ 1:33 am

      I feel like there’s so much responsibility placed in other fields that makes doing your best job as a parent even more difficult. Thank you Keara <3

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    Nell@PigeonPairandMe.com — March 20, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    I’m a stay-at-home Mum and I feel similar at the end of each day. Should I have played with my children more? Should I have tried even harder to be even-tempered, kind and sweet all day long? Should I have filled their heads with more stimulation and fun than I managed to do?

    It sounds as though your son is surrounded by love and care, and that you’re doing your utmost best to create a solid foundation for him. That’s all anyone can ask.

    • Aly replied: — March 23rd, 2014 @ 1:39 am

      Those are the same questions I ask. I just feel guilty because the answer to those questions is always “I should have.” I hope it will get easier as he gets older and is able to understand more.

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    Robin (Masshole Mommy) — March 20, 2014 at 5:34 pm

    As long as you are doing your best, that is all you can really do.

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    Debbie L. — March 20, 2014 at 6:25 pm

    Sounds like you are giving him so much love – any changes needed I sure you will make based on love.

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    Lois Alter Mark — March 20, 2014 at 8:09 pm

    Everyone feels like this sometimes. It sounds like you’re an amazing mother!

    • Aly replied: — March 23rd, 2014 @ 1:39 am

      Thank you Lois!

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    12
    Maggie @ The Love Nerds — March 20, 2014 at 8:33 pm

    My sister used to feel the same way about her girls, but I always reminded her that her kids were being loved by family. He is truly blessed to have so many people around him that love him and help take care of it.

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    Pam — March 20, 2014 at 8:38 pm

    It sounds like you are a compassionate, caring mom. We all feel like this sometimes, but Zack knows you love him and that is what is important.

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    Virginia @thatbaldchick — March 20, 2014 at 8:50 pm

    (((Hugs))) Trying to better yourself while taking care of your child is no easy task, but it is certainly an admirable one.

    • Aly replied: — March 23rd, 2014 @ 1:40 am

      Thank you Virginia!

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    Heather Lawrence — March 20, 2014 at 8:58 pm

    ((Hugs))
    Well written! You have voiced what every mother has felt at one point or another in their parenting walk.

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