I don’t spend enough time with Zach
and it hits me every single night as I’m getting him ready for bed.
Where did the time go?
I feel so awful.
I feel like I’m not doing the best job I can do as a mom.
I can make up excuses all I want, but at the end of the day I can’t change the fact that I don’t spend enough time with my son.
It’s hard when you’re raising your son virtually as a single mom. Zach’s dad is still overseas since we got married, and we currently live in my parent’s home (siblings and all).
Going to school full-time to get a B.S in Dietetics means I’m not home all day and that my mom (thank God) is watching Zach when I’m away.
When I am home, I spend 75% of my time doing my homework, studying for my exams, trying to help my sister with the chores (cooking & cleaning), running errands, and lastly blogging so that I can earn enough money to buy him things– diapers, clothes, shoes, toys– whatever he may need.
I’m blessed enough to have a family that let us live with them even after I got married. I’m blessed enough that I have a supportive father who pushed for us to get an education. I’m blessed enough to have a loving mother who watches my son and takes care of him every single day, despite her own medical problems. I’m blessed enough to be able to make money online to give my son the financial support he needs because God only knows how much more awful I’d feel if I had to get a “real” job– which would mean even more time away from him.
& I thank God each day for the blessings I have.
& I cry each night when I put Zach to sleep.
I cry because I miss him.
I cry because he’s growing up too fast.
and I cry because I feel like a shitty mom.
In all honesty, this was not the way I pictured motherhood to be. At least not the way I wanted it to be.
My dream was to be married for several years before having kids, to able to have a college degree and work my ass off to save money for said kids, and then to be a stay at home mom where I can fully take care of my kids and actually be there for them.
But that’s not what happened.
Now I find myself doing 50 things all at once to make sure Zach’s has a good life.
But at the cost of what?
At the cost of not having a mom around all the time to fully love and support him through his growth.
I don’t spend enough time with Zach.
and I really need to change that.